Just Saying

time for the letting go 

how did you know

that the time was right for me

that i was ready to leave

you decide to reach out

i know the words that come out your mouth

im just saying the tracks are the same

so why isnt our destination

why are you rushing

i cant seem to understand

whats so important

thats in between my legs

you say its addiction

more than-that you care

how nice to share

repercussions that follow

leave my heart hollow

how many times must you force it down

what are you trying to make me swallow

you saying that you loved me

not realizing the past tense

trying not to step on my toes

you drop the subject

not ready to take the reject

willing to give up on what changed your life the most

im just saying you could try harder

im just saying you could be a little smarter

im not asking for more than you are

matter fact im not asking nothing at all

just trying to get you to see

what that it is that your doing to me

i mean it right now

ive tried to get you to listen

the past is the past now your just fishing

but the worst thing about it

you act like im not shit

even when you say i should think about it

i just cant believe that you doubt it

my words are the same i dont know if your bout it

you contradict your feelings toward me

saying how you loved more of me

but your so quickly to dismiss

the idea or thought you insist

that you could not live without me

that your waking up, starting to see

just how much i did mean to you

but when you think theres someone new

so quick to jump up and leave

trying to make a fool out of me

i just cant get what you dont see

when you say one but your actions fool me

i just dont get why you wont fight for me

you say that you want me and you just believe

that were meant together

its so plain to see

but then you turn your back on me

even when you say you miss me

i find out third party you dont say it to me

when is gonna click that if i mean anything

you would do for me

pride aside youd put out for me

put it all on the line for me

im just saying you could fight for me

im just saying maybe we werent meant to be

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this thought

this thought, its in there, running rampant thru my mind

it took homeage in the deepest recess, in the darkest corner of my mind

there it grew, it festered, drew pus

feeding off lies, pride, and mistrust

false hope ran deep, where this thought came to dwell

even when openly exposed to coniving 

the thought laughed in the face of hell

it scoffed at the truth, even when it was clear

even though the pain was the truth that it needed to hear

it never occured to the thought that itself could be in the wrong

that the life of the person its in 

it could cause serious harm

no this was not a thought that a thought could have

for its abstactedness and room to grow turned it bad

it turned into a questioning thought 

that repeatedly wanted to show itself

who knew that it had persons on the outside that helped

it kept feeding the thought 

making it question itself

eventually it came out in a whisper just below my chest

i didnt want to hear it 

nor finish it completely 

it left me wondering and looking at the future more bleakly

it said what would happen if there was a change that occured 

one of good doing and that was more solid than just your word

what if there was proof that presented itself to be true

that there is more to you than you doing you

that somewhere deep down there was a heart that beat

that it could be vunerable and weak 

that it beat just for me

but that thought was slick

as i said it before

it came back around just to tell me once more

that the first thought was its twin 

that they use to be connected 

til the day the good half of the thought was rejected

which coincidently that was thought one

then the bad thought says to me the good cant have all the fun

so theres one thing thats left for me to say

dont let the good one come and brighten your day

see it is i that knows the whole truth

the good and the bad

and the truth is right now you should relish what you had

because even when things look like their looking up

there a 99 percent chance

that he can still revert 

go back to old ways

of old days when he was still but a slut

and by then it will be to late 

by then you will be old

and no one else will want 

and worse he can still take your soul

change

 the more things change, the more they stay the same…

now you say youve changed 

that you have something to prove

that your taking responsibility for the blame

even though it was i that played the fool

i tell you that ive heard these lines before

and try to explain that my belief in you this time is not assured 

i simply cant take your word without sight

without proof to behold, i very well cant take on that plight

its a great burden just to be your friend

whether it be just talking as you say

when in fact your just reeling me in

what is it about this to you that doesnt seem right

can you not see the redundancy of your offer

or were you not moved

have these past few months meant nothing to you

you say it was hell

you said you were on the edge of death 

and yet you sit here and in that same span of breath

you go back

back on your words

contradiction how contrary

ive seen this somewhere before

the look in your eyes, the tone in your voice

the obviously painful fact that you seem to have no choice

atleast that what you say when all the chips are down

change has come and you can turn this back around

and again i sit

listening as you shovel bullshit

in this seemingly neverending hole

im realizing now that this change you want is only for people that have a soul

first mind

cycle keeps repeating….

why is it so never-ending…

my heart is barely beating…

but you just want to keep spending…

to keep wasting time on a cause that i feel is lost…

to keep putting back on the shelf, the things that were knocked off..

no matter if their broken….

u think time will just heal the wounds…

not paying any mind to the fact that their not even held together by truth…just glue…

so how does it go this time…?

the words all seem the same…

the actions that are taking place, even right down to the blame…

its all the same…

this montones banter….

this great game of chess we play…

ive never been one for the game myself…

but i guess you like it that way…

maybe you feel its easier to pull one over on me…

to knock all my pieces down so you can have all of me…

is that what you think…

if so then i have something for you…

my heart you took away…

so with that i cant “feel” this through…

ima have to think with my first mind…

which means theres no chance for you…

no chance of frollicking in the sheets…

no chance of you cheating on me…

no chance of you getting to leave..

and best of  all no chance of you takien any peices of me…

struggle

always a question, always a lingering thought…

always a back track….always looking back, trying to figure, trying to find where my heart is at…

i wonder if this road is right…it was solid before u came…my thoughts were tight…

my head was on right…

or so i thought…cuz here i am…

pondering, sinking , unsure of things i knew just yesterday…

now thoughts just fade away…

why can’t I stay in hate…

why can’t I stay upset….

not wanting to play the fool yet on another stage of your choosing…

to afraid of loosing…

going back to the way things were…

falling backward in the downward spiral to the dance that we do so well…

sad to say i would rather b damned to hell…

than to go back to this…

what you don’t see is this, this is what I want to run away from, what i wanted to leave behind…

to forget the thoughts of knowing you….and all the years I followed around blind…

not to you but to myself…

I want you to leave but apart of me is screaming for your help….

for the familiarity, the comfort, ha even for your stealth…

but I gotta b smarter than that…

I gotta b, i gotta do me…

and the only way I want to try to see you is without me…

even though I wonder if its true…

see what you do…

I didn’t wonder a day, a week, or a month ago..

I should be more centered…more self assured..

more anything that keeps my mind off wondering to b yours…

is it fear of being alone….

or the fact that your known…that the thought of what you could do can keep me blown…

not physically…but soemthing in you moves me…

even though I shunned it in the beginning see how do you do me…

mind racing, palpitations..its just my mind playing tricks on me…

not trying run this same track, gotta hold on…

to the begrudged, the hopelessness within this lost cause…

I cant falter this time…i gotta put up that wall…

if it was really meant to b….I wouldntve been so hard…

we’ve both learned lessons, and im taking mine to heart…

whats left of it anyway….we seem to do better when were apart…

In The First Place

I wish you would have been honest with me….
Told the truth for once in your life…
The long talks, the lonely nights…
All the time I knew…
In the back of my mind it wasnt right…
I knew what convience was…
Use to tell you all the time…
Dont stay with me for the kids…
Only stay cause you want to be mine…
In the end I guess the joke was on me…
I wasted years of my life…
Shrouded in pain and misery…
I let it go and survived each and every time…
Why does it feel like this time…
This time..
Its not as simple as me wanting, loving, nor needing you…
I never needed you..
I kind of guess you felt that to…
But what you wanted was a mother..
Something I couldnt do for you..
You needed a push…
I needed a man…
All in all i guess God had his plan…
It wasnt all roses and daisies..
Time didnt make things between us gravy..
You stuck some where you didnt want to be..
It wasnt love it was lust…
A sick, unhealthy obsession…
But I did love you…
I guess thats my lesson…
I tried to stay through bad behaviour…
Even when you claimed to be my savior…
You never loved me now or later…
But thats not the point..
Thats not what you want to hear..
You want me to tell you it’ll be ok…
That nothing is what you fear..
That the life you’ve lead…
That this woman..this woman right here..
That you’ve taken to bed..
Will give you a chance to take your plans ahead..
To give you what you so “rightly deserve”
For putting up with my bullshit…
And me getting on your nerves..
I have ascertained…sir that your request has been denied..
Not for what you did and how you did it…
But for how you lied…
What is a lie you say..
For you have done nothing at all..
But what you dont see is…
Something you’ll never see..
So you know what..
Fuck it, have a nice day..
Im tired of explaining..
You never respected or loved in the first place at all…

rather be

your not the only one thats damaged..
im damaged too…
but the difference is…i would have walk around the world for you…
i cant pretend or lie to myself any longer..
my heart was more invested..
in there, held a love much stronger…
much deeper than any canal…
longer than any stream…
i wouldve bet my life it couldve held you over..
but you never had the time to see….
to many fish in the sea…i guess
but nevertheless i gave you my all…
gave you my soul…
and you let it fall..
danmed it to hell
to spend eternal damnation…
there are no followers no congregation..
no smiles, no warmth, no friendly conversation..
just fire and cinders and no admiration…
you could kick back and just listen to the pain the guilt ridden..
pretend you understand…
just to know, just to see
if the power that was held is still wit thee..
the game is the same..
the rules havent changed…
but the nieave fall just the same…
no matter how many lies…
or how many trips…
my lessons will be hard learned…
i will feel every glich..
so here i stand sombered yet sober..
i cant wait for the day when its finally over..
when it finally subsides…
i thought i went thru it all..
but still and yet a piece of me died…
although it wont matter to you if i do…
i wish you would have killed me
there is life and then theres you..
caring is sharing…
but its not the same to me…
if you love
can you really let it be
let it see
to be happy
to be free
truth be told im happier without you
but didnt want to see it when im old
if i make it that far
feeling like fuck life
i would rather be cold